How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them.
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2120.
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2120.
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2120.
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When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.
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Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
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How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
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woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
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*nose hairs growing out of control *buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
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What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
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How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood
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A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF! He was gone, without a tres.
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How to get a job... Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?" Interviewee: "I never learn from my mistakes" Interviewer: "Oh, why's that?" Interviewee: "I never make any"
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You know what the definition of "competitive" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.
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They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen
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What's the sharpest thing in the word? A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.
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An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,"we dont serve your kind here". The disease replies, "well you're not a very good host!"
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Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
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The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't
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I feel quite light today. Pounds aren't what they used to be.
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What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming
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Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.
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What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? "Hey, can you help me pack my shit?"
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Have you ever seen those "Give a penny, take a penny" things at convenience stores??? that makes no cents
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Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.
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Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.
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What do golfers do on nights out? **par**ty.
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My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!
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Difference between priest and acne? What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.
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What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
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How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout "Heroes in a half shell." 3) When a girl yells back "Turtle Power," marry her.
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I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk
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T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.
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What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!
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How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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My best friend and I were comparing our penises... for who has the biggest. It ended in a tie.
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How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin
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I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
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My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.
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What is Jeb Bush's campaign slogan? Third time's the charm
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What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!
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Why is Saturn like your balls?? Because it is in between jupeter an your anus.
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I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
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What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
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My inspiration for jokes is like a guy at a brothel... It comes and goes... It also occasionally sucks ;)
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I hate how the losers of every election maintain such a high view of themselves... They're conceded
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*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people
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Coworker: Stop Me: collaborate and listen Coworker: Don't Me: you forget about me Coworker: Hey! Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
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I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
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