Jizz

What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni

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Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.

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Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine

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I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

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Jenna Jameson to Oprah, "There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone." I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.

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What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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I bet if I were a MAN Apple wouldn't tell me my password ideas are weak.

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Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.

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I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

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When my wife takes a nap, it's "desperately needed rest." When I do, it's "lazy chauvinist party-time."

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What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.

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Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.

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What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider

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What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.

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Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.

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[car wreck] [hand reaches out] "Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback." [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

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If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

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It's just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own 'Dont Feed the Animals' rule.

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The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and be awarded eternal life" John came fifth and was awarded a toaster

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How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...

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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

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I tried googling Wiz Khalifa ... But all I found was MIa Khalifa peeing .

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The definition of spin

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They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.

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Why did the Storm Trooper decide to buy an Iphone? Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

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My brother told me this today. Malayasia flight 404 not found.

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What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train

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Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them

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Who does the Metric Cult worship? ...Demetre.

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listen, officer - t h e o r e t i c a l l y - would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk

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Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka

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You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

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Sex makes your day, but anal makes you hole weak..

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What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain's Log.

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What is Moby Dicks dad's name? Poppa Boner

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A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...

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When I say I'm gonna take a nap, it means I'm gonna go on my computer for three hours.

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Why do elephants have 4 feet? Because in the animal kingdom 6 inches just wont do

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I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

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My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet

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Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.

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Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken

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Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.

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What is your best "Yo mama" joke?

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*nose hairs growing out of control *buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

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It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact.

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A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF! He was gone, without a tres.

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You know what the definition of "competitive" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.

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What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae

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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you'd like one because you're an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

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Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.

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How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

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I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

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A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.

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How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.

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Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail. ^-- ^Ed ^Byrne

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What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.

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I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

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My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!

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