Jizz

"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels

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What is your best "Yo mama" joke?

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My house is really small until I can't find my phone.

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ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something

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ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung

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Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.

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"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

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What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.

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Do hamburgers make good vampires? No because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!

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[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

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wer

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What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni

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Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA

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Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.

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Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.

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if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like "do you know why i pulled you over?"

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How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

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What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.

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If chopsticks were really better than a fork... ...wouldn't we be digging ditches with pool cues?

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A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.

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An irishman walks out of a bar...

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Brexit There is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.

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Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*

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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

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The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.

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Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. And then it hit me.

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THE HORROR! *splat THE TRAGEDY! *splat IT'S AWFUL! *splat SO MUCH BLOOD! *splat WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! *splat -It's raining men.

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What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex

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When my wife takes a nap, it's "desperately needed rest." When I do, it's "lazy chauvinist party-time."

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I'm sorry, Black Lives Matter is actually a peaceful and forward thinking movement that our society needs... Now if you could all stop sending me death threats on twitter that would be great.

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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

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Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.

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Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.

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Pavlov's doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: "Shit, I need to feed the dogs!"

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dsadf

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Shoutout to people who don't know what the opposite of in is. I'll give you some time for this one.

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What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.

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*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

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What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.

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In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."

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If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.

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Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets? Because their hands are always in someone else's!

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ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should be called Babies Were US C: ... ME: Get me your manager

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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Broken pencils... ...are pointless.

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They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.

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Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.

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Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife. "Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.

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Someone should invent a version of Twitter for people who spell things like rappers. They could call it "twita". Dat would b nize

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Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett

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You could be a "Before" model.

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What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!

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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.

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You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

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What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain's Log.

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Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her

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A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...

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A man purchases a kitten, which he's having trouble house breaking. What does his friend say when he comes to visit? Your house is quite the cat-ass-trophy.

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