Jizz

How do you confuse a blind person? Toss them a basketball and ask them to read it.

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Hey, is your name Paul Revere? Because I want to give you a midnight ride!

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I got tasered by a female cop the other night.. never have I laid eyes upon a more stunning beauty.

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My toilet stopped working today. He decided he's had enough of my shit

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"honey don't you think you're treating one of our kids unfairly?" "who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?"

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There's a black man in my family tree... He's been hanging there for a while now.

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If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it's that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.

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I wonder if Bruce Wayne ever wears a Batman t-shirt.

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What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot, you assholes.

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Its poor! But, What happens when Supper stars fart in public? lol

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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.

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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.

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I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.

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It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

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I tried googling Wiz Khalifa ... But all I found was MIa Khalifa peeing .

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What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? "It's a Moray."

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Having the option to erase and re-record after having to leave a voicemail is one of my favorite things about life.

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Browsing this sub is like mining in a cave Full of bat shit and I mostly get the same things over again, but it's worth the occasional gold I find.

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What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers? Sub-WUB-WUB-WUB-way

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What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.

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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

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What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider

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What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm

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*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

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What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.

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In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."

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Donald Trump Does this count as putting the punchline in the title?

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Pokemon Go has really improved my life... I used to always get in trouble for playing with my balls outside.

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Jared Fogle was guilty and got 16 years He was just grateful for anything under 18. Credit to SNL that joke might have converted me to watch.

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A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.

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My best friend and I were comparing our penises... for who has the biggest. It ended in a tie.

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What's the difference between coriander and cumin? You can't coriander your pants.

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Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the "orange you glad I didn't say banana" knock knock joke

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Prostitutes hate trick-or-treaters.

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asdf3333

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Where do you find an enlightened mosquito? In Bhuddapest

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Why did the Canadian cross the road? Because that's the direction his car was sliding.

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What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.

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What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter

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Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u

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When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.

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I like my steak like I like my women. White and domineering.

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This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I'll raise my dog however I like.

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I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded "yeah, and you have the same problem at home"

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Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.

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Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."

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I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

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What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk? Hae girl Hae

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A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.

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[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word "bae"

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"What's that?" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* "WTH!?!"

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Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, "will you have your usual tonight?" Rene replies "I think not" and he disappears.

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What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet

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What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.

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What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"

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wer

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Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me Steve' he said in the letter. 'Why?' asked his mother in her reply. 'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me' he wrote back.

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Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

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How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

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What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.

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