Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.
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Jizz
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If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
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*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people
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If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.
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A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak
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What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
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![[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing](https://i.imgur.com/Y6bHZnVm.jpg)
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.
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"I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-" "A what?" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. "A bagel. I HATE carbs."
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Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes.
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Jokers of Reddit, any good blonde jokes or punch lines out there?
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Pokemon Go has really improved my life... I used to always get in trouble for playing with my balls outside.
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What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog's finger
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Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.
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Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.
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H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep
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A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.
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True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.
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My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
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Today I learned two things: 1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals 2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the "orange you glad I didn't say banana" knock knock joke
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Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"
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A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.
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asdf3333
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Why did the Canadian cross the road? Because that's the direction his car was sliding.
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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.
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What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D
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What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter
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Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
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Make sure you don't forget the 'R' when you're Googling, "movies of Gary Oldman."
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What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.
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When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
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How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian
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Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.
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Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one
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Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.
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If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
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Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
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Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
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I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.
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![How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]](https://i.imgur.com/0YHP24Km.jpg)
How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]
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What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D
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A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.
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I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.
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My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...
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TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood
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Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, "will you have your usual tonight?" Rene replies "I think not" and he disappears.
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![[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he](https://i.imgur.com/ZciVNtkm.jpg)
[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad
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Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
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What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino. For non-Americans, this is a baseball joke
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What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
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Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
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