What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
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Jizz
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"You know what." -- They.
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What the quickest way to a mans heart? Though his chest with a knife
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One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
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Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.
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Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
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What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.
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How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd
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What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !
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Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?
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I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.
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What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes
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What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
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I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.
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My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"
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Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!
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What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider
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Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.
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I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?
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Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?
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If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.
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What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.
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I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
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I heard that Being the one to circumcise elephants doesn't pay too well But the tips are huge!!
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What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.
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Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets? Because their hands are always in someone else's!
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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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The definition of spin
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me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend
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They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.
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Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"
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I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
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Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife. "Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.
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Someone should invent a version of Twitter for people who spell things like rappers. They could call it "twita". Dat would b nize
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What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.
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You could be a "Before" model.
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"Your mission... Should you chose to accept it..." *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave
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Who does the Metric Cult worship? ...Demetre.
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What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!
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Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)
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You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.
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"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."
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Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!
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What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain's Log.
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What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
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How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It's not hard
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Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting? They literally can't even.
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How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood
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Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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