Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!
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Jizz
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What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
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What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common? A sudden surge of seamen.
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Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
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How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It's not hard
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Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting? They literally can't even.
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
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Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
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How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.
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What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? "It's a Moray."
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What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
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What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D
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FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
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What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
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What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
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My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.
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how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)
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What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.
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What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
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I have a split personality No he doesn't
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What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"
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wer
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I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
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Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?" Day Two: Murder
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Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father's Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?
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From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
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How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd
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I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.
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My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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34352345 435
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The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.
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Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
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TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to Facebook.
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HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.
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Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"
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I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.
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What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
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I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk
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A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, "Bejesus, I'm in the wrong joke!"
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If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.
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What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog's finger
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When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."
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ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should be called Babies Were US C: ... ME: Get me your manager
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My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
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Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.
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There are two types of people in life... Those who think there are two types of people in life and the rest.
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Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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PSA: If you've got an Islamic dog... Muslim
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Did you guys know that water can talk? Water you talking about?
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