If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.
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A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY
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Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.
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"It's 5 o'clock somewhere." - a shitty watch.
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Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.
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What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !
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When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.
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Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.
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Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!
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I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!
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I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.
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To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.
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Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.
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I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call it Brian Beano.
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What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.
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Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!
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its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
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Why did Adele cross the road? She wanted to say hello from the other side. ^^^^^^hilarious ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^original ^^^^^^hahahahahahahahahelpme
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What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.
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I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.
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Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
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I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.
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In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014
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What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk
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I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.
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You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.
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Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
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Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
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Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.
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What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
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What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
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Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
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Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
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ADHD is ADD in high definition.
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How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.
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What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
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What bees makes the best milk ? Boob-bees And also this is my first time using Reddit and my account is only 30 minutes old by the time of this post so I have no idea what I am doing
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Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.
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What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
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What do you call children born of ginger people? Ginger-bred
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Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
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What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.
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![[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears](https://i.imgur.com/MfePLxPm.jpg)
[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*
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I have a split personality No he doesn't
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I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?" Day Two: Murder
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Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father's Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
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How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
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