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Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. - http://ww.key-n-lock.com

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Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

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Teacher: How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ? Teacher: What do you mean ? Pupil: Wellup and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0

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212xc212xc1

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My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities

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Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?

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What's the integral of 1/(cabin)? 1 natural log cabin. I'll show myself out.

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What's a con-artists favorite holiday? Scamentine's Day.

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Islam is a race. Because it's inbreeds fucking each other.

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What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla!

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Dad and son A son asks his father "Why does my bum hurt" while the father replies "Because I love you son"

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Osama Bn Laden Jokes in the title.

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Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

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I find like geologers make really good friends... ...they are very down to Earth.

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Well it's like my dad always told me "When life gives ya lemons" Chances are you're in the fruit aisle.

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What type of fruit is not allowed to get married? Cantaloupe...

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What's the sharpest thing in the word? A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.

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If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

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The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

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Ever since the news came out about Samsung.... Their phones have been blowing up.

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I feel quite light today. Pounds aren't what they used to be.

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Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls

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Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.

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What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

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Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.

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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

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What do golfers do on nights out? **par**ty.

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Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

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[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

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Celebrating my verification in this sub the only way I know how. ;P

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