If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
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What's the sharpest thing in the word? A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.
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*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people
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An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,"we dont serve your kind here". The disease replies, "well you're not a very good host!"
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If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.
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A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak
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The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't
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I feel quite light today. Pounds aren't what they used to be.
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Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.
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What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"
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Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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What do golfers do on nights out? **par**ty.
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Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
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[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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Difference between priest and acne? What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.
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I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.
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How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout "Heroes in a half shell." 3) When a girl yells back "Turtle Power," marry her.
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T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.
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Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.
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What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!
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H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.
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How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin
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My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.
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A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.
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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.
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What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!
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Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?
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What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.
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How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
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Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.
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I got asked how I view lesbian relationships.. Apparently HD wasn't the correct answer.
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The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.
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Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
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Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.
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How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]
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I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.
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Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
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TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood
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What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.
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[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad
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Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
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What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino. For non-Americans, this is a baseball joke
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Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue
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One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
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Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.
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"911, what's your emergency?" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!
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