What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !
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What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.
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What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes
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Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.
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I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.
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Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!
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The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products
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Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.
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Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?
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What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.
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I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
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I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family
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What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.
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What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana
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Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
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me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend
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I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
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What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!
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Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.
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What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
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The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.
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A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!
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"Your mission... Should you chose to accept it..." *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave
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sdfsdfwe
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Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)
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This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths
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"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."
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What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called? A Game of Crohn's.
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What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
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"Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere." - Doorknob
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How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood
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Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.
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If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
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September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow.
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Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.
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hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
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When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
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What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
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How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"
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If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.
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A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY
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Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.
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"It's 5 o'clock somewhere." - a shitty watch.
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Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.
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What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !
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When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.
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Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.
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Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!
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I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!
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I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.
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To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.
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Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.
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I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call it Brian Beano.
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What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.
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Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!
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