Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.
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![How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]](https://i.imgur.com/0YHP24Km.jpg)
How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]
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I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.
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Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
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TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood
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What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.
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![[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he](https://i.imgur.com/ZciVNtkm.jpg)
[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad
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Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
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What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino. For non-Americans, this is a baseball joke
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Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue
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One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
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Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.
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"911, what's your emergency?" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!
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What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !
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What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.
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What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes
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Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.
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I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.
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Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!
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The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products
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Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.
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Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?
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What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.
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I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
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I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family
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What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.
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What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana
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Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
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me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend
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I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
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What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!
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Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.
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What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
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The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.
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A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!
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"Your mission... Should you chose to accept it..." *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave
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sdfsdfwe
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Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)
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This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths
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"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."
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What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called? A Game of Crohn's.
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What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
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"Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere." - Doorknob
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How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood
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Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.
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If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
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September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow.
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Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.
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hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
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When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
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What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
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