its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
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Uk pics
Why did Adele cross the road? She wanted to say hello from the other side. ^^^^^^hilarious ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^original ^^^^^^hahahahahahahahahelpme
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What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.
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I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.
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Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
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I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.
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In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014
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What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk
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I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.
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You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.
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Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
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Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
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Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.
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What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
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What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
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Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
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Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
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ADHD is ADD in high definition.
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How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.
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What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
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What bees makes the best milk ? Boob-bees And also this is my first time using Reddit and my account is only 30 minutes old by the time of this post so I have no idea what I am doing
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Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.
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What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
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What do you call children born of ginger people? Ginger-bred
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Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
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What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.
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[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*
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I have a split personality No he doesn't
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I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?" Day Two: Murder
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Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father's Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
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How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
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From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
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What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale
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Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw it in 21 to shoot the bulb.
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The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.
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When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being fucking awesome at everything."
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My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.
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TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to Facebook.
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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work.
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What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
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A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, "Bejesus, I'm in the wrong joke!"
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I think r/jokes may be glitched Top of all time and new both show the same jokes
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A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss. When laying in her bed Looping round in her head Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
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Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?
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Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.
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