What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!
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Jizz
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin
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My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.
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What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?
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How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
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I got asked how I view lesbian relationships.. Apparently HD wasn't the correct answer.
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The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.
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Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.
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Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
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What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.
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Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
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Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue
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Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.
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"911, what's your emergency?" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
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Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!
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What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.
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Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.
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The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products
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Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.
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What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.
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I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family
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What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana
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Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
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What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!
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Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.
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A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!
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sdfsdfwe
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This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths
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What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called? A Game of Crohn's.
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"Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere." - Doorknob
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Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.
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September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow.
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hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
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What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
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If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.
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Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.
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Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.
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What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !
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Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.
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I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.
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To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.
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I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call it Brian Beano.
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its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
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Why did Adele cross the road? She wanted to say hello from the other side. ^^^^^^hilarious ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^original ^^^^^^hahahahahahahahahelpme
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Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
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In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014
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You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
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Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
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Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
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What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
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Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
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ADHD is ADD in high definition.
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What bees makes the best milk ? Boob-bees And also this is my first time using Reddit and my account is only 30 minutes old by the time of this post so I have no idea what I am doing
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Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.
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What do you call children born of ginger people? Ginger-bred
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Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
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![[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears](https://i.imgur.com/MfePLxPm.jpg)
[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*
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