I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
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Jizz
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What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
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The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.
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"Your mission... Should you chose to accept it..." *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave
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Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)
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"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."
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What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
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How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood
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If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
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Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.
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When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
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How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"
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A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY
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"It's 5 o'clock somewhere." - a shitty watch.
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When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.
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Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!
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I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!
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Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.
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What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.
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Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!
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What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.
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I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.
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I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.
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What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk
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I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
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Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.
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What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
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Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
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How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.
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What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
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What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
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What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.
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I have a split personality No he doesn't
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I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?" Day Two: Murder
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father's Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
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From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
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The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.
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My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.
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TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to Facebook.
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What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
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A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, "Bejesus, I'm in the wrong joke!"
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Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.
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Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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212xc212xc1
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