Jizz

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I showed my son a floppy disk today... ...he said: 'oh cool, you 3D-printed a save icon'

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*calls into work* "yo boss i'm real sick" "you don't sound sick..." "ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys" "wow u do sound hella sick"

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"Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere." - Doorknob

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Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.

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If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

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*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

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If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

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A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak

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Ever since the news came out about Samsung.... Their phones have been blowing up.

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Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls

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What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

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Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

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[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

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I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.

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"Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP" -first rule of Sprite Club

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Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.

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H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep

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True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.

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What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle? Weeeeeeeeee

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A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.

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Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

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What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.

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Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.

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How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other's sentences

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Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."

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How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]

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I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.

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TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood

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[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad

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What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino. For non-Americans, this is a baseball joke

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What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored? He racism.

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A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Hate Black People" ...I thought to myself "Well damn- thats a little racist.

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One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!

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NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You're welcome.

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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

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What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !

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What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes

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I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.

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Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!

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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

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Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?

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I work hard so my dog can have a better life.

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What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.

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What Is Bluetooth ? When your toothbrush stops working mid brushing

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me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend

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Sometimes I'll start talking to someone on the train, then go "Oh, this is where I get off" then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.

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what is the best way to smuggle drugs? In your dogs asshole. Should there be border control frisking, it will be perceived as two dogs plain wolfing

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An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,"we dont serve your kind here". The disease replies, "well you're not a very good host!"

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A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak

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