Jizz

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

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asdf

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What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

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A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'

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What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

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[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you

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I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?

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My house is really small until I can't find my phone.

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ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something

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"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

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What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.

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What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"

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You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.

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Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.

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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

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I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?

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What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.

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Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.

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My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!

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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

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Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.

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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

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Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

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Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage

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What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.

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It's just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own 'Dont Feed the Animals' rule.

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Donald Trump Does this count as putting the punchline in the title?

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How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...

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What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts

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A sadist and a masochist meet The masochist starts pleading, "Hit me! Please hit me!" The sadist looks at him, smiles, and calmly replies, "No."

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I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

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Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.

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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

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What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train

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What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D

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What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.

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A girl grabbed my cock and said, "Wow! Your dick wouldn't make a very good clock." "Why?" I asked, intrigued. "Because I'd struggle to get a second hand on it," she replied.

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Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka

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Opinions are like Assholes... Everyone has one, and some just taste better than others.

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What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common? A sudden surge of seamen.

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If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country, if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel

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A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...

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When I say I'm gonna take a nap, it means I'm gonna go on my computer for three hours.

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Why do elephants have 4 feet? Because in the animal kingdom 6 inches just wont do

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I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

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What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.

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Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.

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I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.

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Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken

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What is your best "Yo mama" joke?

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My house is really small until I can't find my phone.

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Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.

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"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

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What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae

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I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

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