Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering "...it would be so easy..."
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Jizz
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Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett
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You could be a "Before" model.
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![I like my women like I like my coffee... [Fill in the blank]](https://i.imgur.com/dbT7C0tm.jpg)
I like my women like I like my coffee... [Fill in the blank]
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What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!
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Opinions are like Assholes... Everyone has one, and some just taste better than others.
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Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!
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What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common? A sudden surge of seamen.
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How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It's not hard
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Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting? They literally can't even.
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Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
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What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? "It's a Moray."
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What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D
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FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
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What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
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My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.
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how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)
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What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
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What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"
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wer
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Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
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Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?
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How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd
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I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.
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My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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34352345 435
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
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HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.
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Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"
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I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.
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I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk
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If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who would win? The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.
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What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog's finger
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When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."
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ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should be called Babies Were US C: ... ME: Get me your manager
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My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
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There are two types of people in life... Those who think there are two types of people in life and the rest.
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PSA: If you've got an Islamic dog... Muslim
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Did you guys know that water can talk? Water you talking about?
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I get turned on whenever I eat greek dips... ...I think I'm a hummusexual.
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A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it.
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Me: .... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.
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How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian
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Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one
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Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her
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My new years resolution is to have more sex! I Haven't told my cellmate yet though
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A man purchases a kitten, which he's having trouble house breaking. What does his friend say when he comes to visit? Your house is quite the cat-ass-trophy.
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Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you... I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?
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What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub? .....Add your laundry.
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I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.
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When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.
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My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...
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I don't like drive-thru's I think it's money out the window.
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My house is really small until I can't find my phone.
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There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.
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Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
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