Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?
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I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.
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What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
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My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"
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What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider
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Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.
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I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?
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If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.
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What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.
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I heard that Being the one to circumcise elephants doesn't pay too well But the tips are huge!!
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Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets? Because their hands are always in someone else's!
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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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The definition of spin
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They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.
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Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"
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Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife. "Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.
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Someone should invent a version of Twitter for people who spell things like rappers. They could call it "twita". Dat would b nize
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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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You could be a "Before" model.
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Who does the Metric Cult worship? ...Demetre.
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What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!
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You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.
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Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!
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What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain's Log.
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How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It's not hard
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Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting? They literally can't even.
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Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D
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My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
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What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
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TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.
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How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
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I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.
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What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
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7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.
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What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"
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"You know what." -- They.
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Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
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if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like "do you know why i pulled you over?"
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What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
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A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.
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How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.
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Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail. ^-- ^Ed ^Byrne
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Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?
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My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!
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I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"
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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?
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Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage
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What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.
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Donald Trump Does this count as putting the punchline in the title?
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
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Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets? Because their hands are always in someone else's!
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A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.
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Go to racist joke, what's yours? Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"
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I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.
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Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"
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