Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.
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Jizz
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September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow.
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FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
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hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
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I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?
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What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
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how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks she made this up)
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If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.
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My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..
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Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.
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They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen
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Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.
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What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !
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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?
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Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.
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What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
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I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.
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My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call it Brian Beano.
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Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery
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Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan
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its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
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Why did Adele cross the road? She wanted to say hello from the other side. ^^^^^^hilarious ^^^^^^and ^^^^^^original ^^^^^^hahahahahahahahahelpme
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It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
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There's a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.
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In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014
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Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife. "Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.
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You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
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What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
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Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his teeth.
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If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke, I would have a small loan of one million dollars
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What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
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What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party ? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.
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If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country, if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
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Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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ADHD is ADD in high definition.
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What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.
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What bees makes the best milk ? Boob-bees And also this is my first time using Reddit and my account is only 30 minutes old by the time of this post so I have no idea what I am doing
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I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.
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Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.
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How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
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What do you call children born of ginger people? Ginger-bred
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Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
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Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
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![[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears](https://i.imgur.com/MfePLxPm.jpg)
[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
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How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
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What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale
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A triangle exploded and a piece hit me. It was a 60-debris angle.
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Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw it in 21 to shoot the bulb.
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