Jizz

My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet

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What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

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Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.

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TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.

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How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her

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When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

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I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.

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How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"

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What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet

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7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

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A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY

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What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"

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"You know what." -- They.

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"It's 5 o'clock somewhere." - a shitty watch.

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Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA

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Knock knock. Who's there? Benjamin. Benjamin Who? Yes, Benjamin Netanya Who.

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if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like "do you know why i pulled you over?"

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When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.

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What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.

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A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.

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Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!

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How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.

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Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail. ^-- ^Ed ^Byrne

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I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!

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Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?

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My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!

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I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special

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Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.

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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

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My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"

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What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.

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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

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What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I'll suck yo dick for a Upvote

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I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?

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Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!

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Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage

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What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.

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My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

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Donald Trump Does this count as putting the punchline in the title?

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The best thing about adolescent humor... is that it never gets old!

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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

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What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.

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Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets? Because their hands are always in someone else's!

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I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.

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A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.

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Go to racist joke, what's yours? Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"

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I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.

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I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

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What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk

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Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"

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Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering "...it would be so easy..."

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I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.

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Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett

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You could be a "Before" model.

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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.

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I like my women like I like my coffee... [Fill in the blank]

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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

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What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!

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Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.

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Opinions are like Assholes... Everyone has one, and some just taste better than others.

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