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How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout "Heroes in a half shell." 3) When a girl yells back "Turtle Power," marry her.

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I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time consuming*. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk

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T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.

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What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!

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How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...

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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

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My best friend and I were comparing our penises... for who has the biggest. It ended in a tie.

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How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin

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I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?

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My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.

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What is Jeb Bush's campaign slogan? Third time's the charm

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What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!

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Why is Saturn like your balls?? Because it is in between jupeter an your anus.

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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?

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A girl grabbed my cock and said, "Wow! Your dick wouldn't make a very good clock." "Why?" I asked, intrigued. "Because I'd struggle to get a second hand on it," she replied.

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How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

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This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I'll raise my dog however I like.

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I got asked how I view lesbian relationships.. Apparently HD wasn't the correct answer.

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I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded "yeah, and you have the same problem at home"

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Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."

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The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.

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Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.

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What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk? Hae girl Hae

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2120.

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Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

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I don't like drive-thru's I think it's money out the window.

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What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.

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Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb

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There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.

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Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

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My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

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What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni

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What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue

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Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.

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if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like "do you know why i pulled you over?"

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"911, what's your emergency?" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.

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A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.

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Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That will make them all guill tea!

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Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail. ^-- ^Ed ^Byrne

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What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.

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My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

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Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.

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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

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The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products

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Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery

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Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.

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Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan

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What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.

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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

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I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family

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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

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What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana

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Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

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There's a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.

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What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!

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Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.

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Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett

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A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!

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I like my women like I like my coffee... [Fill in the blank]

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